Cheaper Than Therapy
by Red Witch
Summary: Another poker night at the Figgis Agency. Another night of drinking, insults, relationship analysis, violence and cancelled TV shows.


**Archer lost the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Still waiting for Season 8! Well fanfiction is…**

 **Cheaper Than Therapy **

"Damn it," Archer yawned as he walked out of his office. "I slept through quitting time again. And knowing Cyril and my mother they won't count it as overtime."

He then heard some muffled voices and the sounds of people drinking. "Looks like I'm not the only one who overslept." He went to investigate.

He saw Ray, Pam, Cheryl and Krieger sitting around the table in the break room playing cards and drinking beer. "Hey!" Pam called. "Look who finally woke up! Have a nice nap Sleeping Butthole?"

"What's this? I thought my mother and Cyril banned poker night?" Archer asked.

"They did," Ray said. "We decided to ban ourselves from telling them it was back on again."

"I'm in," Archer sat down. "But I do suggest a referendum banning telling Lana about this."

"Well duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "That was like our second amendment to poker night!"

"She can be a bit of a buzzkill," Pam dealt the cards. "Speaking of buzzkills, how's your love life going Archer? Or in your case, **not going**."

"Going right to **there** , are you?" Archer groaned.

"Hell yeah," Pam nodded. "So what's this biz about you not doing Lana's biz?"

"For over two weeks," Ray added.

"How do you know about **that**?" Archer snapped.

"Because Lana told everybody that," Cheryl said. "The day you and Pam went to Ocean Park to play with the unicorn whales."

"Lana told you **that**?" Archer was stunned. "Did she tell Cyril that?"

"Last I checked Cyril was part of everybody," Ray rolled his eyes.

"Great," Archer groaned. "Wait, did she tell my mother?"

"She told **everybody!** " Ray, Krieger, Cheryl and Pam shouted at the same time.

"What part of everybody confuses you?" Cheryl asked. "The every or the body?"

"Seriously Archer," Krieger said. "English 101."

"Ugggghhh…" Archer groaned as he grabbed a beer and took a drink.

"So what's the problem with you and Lana **now**?" Pam asked. "What did you do **this time** Dickless Tracy?"

"I bet he's still hung up on Veronica Deane," Cheryl added.

"Probably got caught googling her again," Pam agreed. "What is this? The sixth or seventh time in **two months?"**

"Here comes the Mommy Issues Express," Ray said. "Toot! Toot!"

"All aboard!" Krieger added.

"Why can't we talk about **someone else's** problems for a change?" Archer barked. "Ray how's your search for the perfect guy to screw going?"

"Eh so-so," Ray shrugged. "You know how it is. They seem perfectly nice in the dark but once someone turns the bathroom light on…"

"Nooope!" Pam interrupted. "You're not getting off **that easily** Archer. It's not Ray's turn. We're focusing on you!"

"It's never Ray's turn," Ray sighed.

"Wow Archer," Pam said. "Things must be bad if you're willing for someone else to grab the floor."

"Can we just play cards?" Archer snapped as he looked at his hand. "Damn it. I'm out."

"Me too," Krieger admitted.

"Eh this hand is more of a foot," Pam shrugged.

"I'm in!" Cheryl threw several chips in the center.

"Go for it, honey!" Ray said as he threw in some chips.

"Gin!" Cheryl threw down her cards. "HA!"

"Couple things," Pam sighed. "One, we're playing poker."

"Ohhhh…" Cheryl blinked.

"And two even if we were those cards wouldn't win you gin," Pam realized. "Or poker. Or pretty much anything."

"One of them is an Uno card," Krieger blinked. "How did **that** get into the deck?"

"Well we keep losing cards due to the fights and the fires so I shuffled a few decks together," Pam explained.

"That explains this old maid card I have," Archer looked at his cards.

"I win!" Ray took the pot.

"Hey wait a minute…" Pam began.

"Pam, Ray almost always wins the pot anyway," Archer told her. "And the only money he took was Carol's…"

"And I almost always use it for important things," Ray said. "Like buying food."

"You mean a round of drinks at the nearest bar?" Pam scoffed.

"Drinks count as food," Ray shrugged. "Besides the game isn't as important as finding out what's wrong with Archer and Lana's relationship now."

"Are we still on that?" Archer groaned.

"We never **left** it!" Pam pointed out.

"What do **you** care?" Archer barked. "There was a time when you idiots were trying to break us up!"

"That's because you were making us sick with all your smootchy-bootchy talk," Pam gave him a look.

"Oh God, that **is** nauseating," Archer blinked. "Okay I see your point. But you were still being assholes about trying to break us up."

"Not to mention it was unnecessary," Cheryl shrugged as she took a drink. "Since you're doing that so well on your own."

"You know…?" Archer gave her a look.

"She's got a point Archer," Krieger added. "You're jeopardizing your relationship you **do** have for one that you **don't** have because you feel a need for a sexual conquest that will somehow make up for the lack of maternal nurturing in your childhood. It's classic psychology."

"Oedipus 101," Ray added.

"Are you people **drunk?** " Archer snapped. "Stupid question."

"Yeah it was," Cheryl laughed.

"But seriously," Archer snapped. "Veronica is **nothing** like my mother!"

"Oh please!" Pam waved. "She's basically a younger Ms. Archer without the weapons. I'm not saying I wouldn't do her but…"

"Unlike you we don't have any illusions about that," Krieger added.

"Exactly," Pam nodded.

"Archer listen to me," Ray said. "You and Lana have been through literally **everything**. She stuck with you when you had breast cancer for crying out loud!"

"And you have a kid together," Pam said. "You really want to jeopardize all **that** for some dumb conquest?"

"I would not call Veronica Deane, star of stage and screen a dumb conquest," Archer snapped.

"Oh my God you **are** planning to screw her!" Pam groaned.

"Thereby screwing Lana and eventually yourself," Ray groaned.

"Isn't that the point?" Archer asked.

"Not literally!" Cheryl snapped. "Wait is it literally…?"

"In his case, yes," Krieger told her.

"Not even going to try to think this through, are you?" Pam sighed.

"Why would I?" Archer asked as he took a drink.

"Archer," Ray gave him a look. "Can you honestly say you don't regret sleeping with **some** of the women you've slept with before?" He pointed to Cheryl. "Even **a little?"**

"Well uh…" Archer blinked.

"Remember Andrea from Accounting?" Pam asked. "Valerie?"

"That whore Juliana," Cheryl added. "That **other whore** Trinette?"

"Technically with Trinette I regret not wearing a condom," Archer admitted.

"And Pita!" Pam added. "Best cook you ever had until you knocked her up one too many times and she fled back to wherever she came from."

"Is it my fault the woman was a total hypocrite?" Archer snapped. "She didn't believe in birth control but had no problems with abortion! Seriously? Just saying a huge hole in her reasoning there."

"Speaking of holes in reasoning…" Ray drawled.

"Oh come on!" Archer snapped.

"Archer we know what this is about," Ray said. "You still have this weird fantasy about being a private eye getting all the girls. It's like your head is stuck in some other world."

"That was actually a show," Cheryl spoke up.

"What?" Ray asked.

"Otherworld," Cheryl said. "That was a show."

"Seriously?" Pam asked.

"Totally. It was about this family that accidentally goes through some kind of portal to another dimension while on vacation," Cheryl said. "They spent the series trying to get home to their own dimension while fleeing the clutches of a ruthless totalitarian government who wanted to capture them for some weird reason. Probably because the guy chasing them wanted a promotion or something. And even though this government like owned and controlled everything, every single city they went to had like its own different rules and culture."

"Really?" Krieger asked.

"Yeah it was basically Lost in Space with a station wagon," Cheryl nodded. "There was even one episode where they became rock stars. That was weird."

"So are most of the conversations we have," Ray remarked.

"It only lasted one season…" Cheryl went on. "Oh my god! I just remembered! The name of the family was the Sterlings!"

"No way," Archer was stunned.

"Way!" Cheryl nodded.

"Well that's just weird," Pam blinked.

"Hey there have been a lot of weirder shows," Archer protested. "Small Wonders? Everybody remembers Small Wonders right?"

"I dunno," Krieger said. "I think that show was pretty normal."

"Krieger, the X-Files is normal by your standards," Pam told him. "But what were they thinking with that Lone Gunman spinoff?"

"Spinoffs are always hit or miss," Archer told her. "We're talking about **original** show ideas here. I admit it. Freaks and Geeks was awesome. Not that I could relate to it."

"Are you kidding?" Cheryl scoffed. She pointed to everyone. **"Hello!"**

"Oh right," Archer blinked.

"Yeah, we're all **living** that sitcom," Cheryl laughed. "If you know? They all grew up and started a spy agency/drug cartel/detective agency. And took a lot of drugs."

"I liked Madame's Place," Ray admitted.

"Me too!" Krieger agreed.

"Big shock," Archer rolled his eyes. "DC Follies was way better."

"That was pretty good," Pam admitted.

"I liked Manimal," Krieger said.

"Me too," Cheryl nodded. "That were-animal guy was hot."

"Manimal was stupid," Archer said.

"YOU'RE STUPID!" Cheryl shouted.

"Look if we're going to talk about shows that should have gotten a better deal then we have to talk about Fastlane," Archer said. "It's basically Miami Vice with cooler cars."

"I think we should steer away from the Miami Vice themed genre," Ray said. "I think it's been done to death."

"Overdone to death," Cheryl said. "Bring back Manimal!"

"NO!" Archer, Ray and Pam shouted.

"YOU'RE NOT MY TV SUPERVISOR!" Cheryl shouted.

"You know I could always…" Krieger began.

"NO!" Archer, Ray and Pam shouted.

"YOU'RE NOT MY LAB SUPERVISOR!" Krieger snapped.

"Somebody should be," Archer groaned. "Okay how about Terra Nova? That show had possibilities."

"Yeah as a possible rip off of Earth 2," Pam said. "And even Earth 2 wasn't that good to rip off of in the **first place**."

"Clone High!" Krieger shouted. "I want more Clone High!"

"Gee why would Krieger like **that show**?" Pam scoffed. "The show that was really awesome was Square Pegs!"

"Oh God no!" Archer groaned. "That was basically a high school version of Sex and the City without any sex or a city! What people really should have been watching was Lucy Daughter of the Devil."

"Why don't we just bring back Cop Rock while we're at it?" Ray grumbled.

"What the hell was wrong with Cop Rock?" Cheryl asked.

"You got a few hours?" Ray snapped.

For the next few minutes the five of them were shouting and bickering at each other. And Cheryl was throwing cards and chips at people. Until Pam took her shoe off and started banging on the table with it. "HEY! HEY! KNOCK IT OFF DICKWADS!"

Everyone shut up for a moment. "Look can we at least all agree the Moonbeam City was a horrible mistake that never should have been made?" Pam said.

"Oh yeah," Archer nodded.

"Definitely," Ray agreed.

"Totally sucked ass," Cheryl nodded.

"What the hell were they **thinking?** " Krieger added.

"Okay so we all agree that Moonbeam City sucked," Pam said. "And Manimal."

"THAT'S IT!" Cheryl pulled out a knitting needle from somewhere. "EAT TUNGSTEN!"

"AAAHHH!" Pam shouted as she ran away from Cheryl. Cheryl chased her with the knitting needle cackling madly.

"So is somebody going to do something about that?" Archer asked.

"Not it," Ray folded his arms.

"I'm on it," Krieger took out his camera phone and started following the women. "Yes! I'm getting some great shots here!"

"I meant…" Archer began but Krieger ran off. "Never mind."

SMASH! CRASH!

"Can't have nice things," Archer quipped.

SMASH!

"THAT'S IT!" Pam was heard. "TIME TO EQUALIZE THE SITUATION BITCH!"

SMASH!

"Why do we have poker night again?" Ray asked.

"Because Ray, poker night is basically an excuse for us to drink and bitch about stupid things," Archer said.

SMASH!

"And cause a lot of damage," Archer added.

"Still cheaper than therapy," Ray shrugged as he took a drink.

"True dat," Archer agreed as he took a drink.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?" Cyril shouted as he walked in.

"Another episode of the Adventures of Captain Buzzkill," Archer quipped. "Starring Cyril Figgis as Captain Buzzkill."

"All right seriously…" Cyril began. "I came back here to…"

"AAAAAHHH!" Cheryl ran right into Cyril, knocking him down before running on her way.

"What the…?" Cyril wheezed. He barely managed to stand up before Pam ran in while swinging an axe. "AAAAAH!"

"HA HA HA HA!" Pam cackled madly as she swung the axe.

"I think the Adventures of Captain Buzzkill is about to get the axe," Archer quipped as Pam chased Cyril and Cheryl around while Krieger filmed everything.

"Yeah but what a series finale this will make!" Krieger grinned. "This is why I love cinema!"

" **This** is why poker night was banned!" Cyril shouted as he ran.

"This is why I seriously need to update my resume," Ray grumbled.


End file.
